Chili Story

I often tell stories to my students.  Sometimes I tell them to make a point.  Most of the time they come from my past experiences.  Usually they are funny.  This story is one of my student's favorites... and there is no point to the story other than to make them laugh.  This story is true and I never remembered my friends little brothers name.

I had a friend in 6th grade that moved across town halfway through the school year.  He called me up in late June to come for dinner and a sleep over.  My parents let me go.

It was a really hot that day and they had a tent pitched in their backyard the shape of an igloo.  It even had a tunnel you had to crawl through to get inside.  It had no windows or floor, so it was very humid and stuffy inside.  It was made of some kind material you could see shapes through without any detail.

We had chili for dinner and I had seconds.  I have always loved chili.  After dinner we played ping pong down stairs for a few hours.  As we played we would hit the ball, then put the paddle down, then spin around, then pick the paddle up and then hit the ball again.  We were drinking orange pop and eating crackers in between times when we would mess up.  All this time we were keeping ourselves pretty dizzy and having a great time.

About the time the sun set, the mom came down stairs and told us to stop playing and get to bed.  She meant business and didn't even tell me to brush my teeth.  I remember that she had changed her clothes and was now dressed up in a fancy white dress and her hair was BIG.

So out the sliding glass door we went and across the lawn to the tent.  My friend had a little brother who was excited to sleep out in the tent with his big brother and his big brother's friend.  So he went in the tunnel first.  I was next.  I started crawling and right away I felt dizzy, then closed in, then stuffy, then a little nauseous...THEN VERY NAUSEOUS!  Like a freight train coming down the track!

I quickly developed a plan.  I was going to finish crawling through the tunnel into the tent, so my friend who was behind me, could finish crawling into the tent also.  Then I was going to quickly crawl back outside to get some desperately needed fresh air.  Great plan... but when I got to the end of the tunnel I came face to face with my friend's little brother.  In the fading light, we were inches apart.  I opened my mouth to say get out of the way... but when I opened my mouth... 'get out of the way' did not come out of my mouth.

Instead...AT POINT BLANK RANGE... I violently barfed on him.  I still remember the look of horror on his face and the sound of projectile vomit hitting his face.  It made a distinct slapping noise.  To make a bad situation MUCH worse, he made the understandable mistake of screaming.  I'm just going to pause here for a moment to let this all sink in......... yes... to scream... one needs to.... yes... you got... open ones mouth.  That was a very bad thing to do at that moment!!

He flipped over backwards and started screaming like I've never heard anyone scream before or since (thankfully).  There was the usually terror but this scream sounded like it came from the girl who was being attacked in the movie JAWS... there was also a distinct gurgling to it.

Well round one was quickly followed by round TWO.  In the dim light, I barfed all over his little brother again while he was laying on his back screaming and spluttering.  Then I stepped over him and quickly crawled back outside.  My friend must have crawled backwards to get out of the tunnel.

Once outside I felt great.  My nausea was gone.

Inside the tent however was my friends little brother.  He was on his back kicking and screaming.  We could see his arms and legs flailing.

All of the sudden we heard the sliding glass door slam open and out came the mom.  She speedily marched across the lawn right towards me.  She looked me in the eye and asked me what was going on.  I looked past her and saw her little boy's arms and legs flailing and we both could hear him screaming.  I knew what was going on... but I couldn't describe it to her.  She stood there, for what felt like, a very long time, waiting for my answer.  I stood there like a deer in the head lights and said nothing.

Finally, her motherly instincts must have kicked in, because all of the sudden she gave up, wheeled around, walked over to the tent, kneeled down, and started crawling into the tunnel.   I had a side view to what was happening.  I could see her approaching her son.  She had to be thinking as she was crawling into the darkness, 'What is wrong with my son?' and 'What is that smell?'

She could not see him.  She crawled right up to him and when she got there, OUT OF THE DARKNESS, the little boy latched onto his mom with both slimy arms and slimy legs and she let out a scream like only a grown woman can do.  It was impressive!

Then she slipped and went down and they both started wrestling and screaming, in the tent, in the darkness, in the barf.  My friend and I just stood there watching the train wreck.  Don't judge us... we couldn't help ourselves.

Suddenly, the father was standing in front of me.  He asked me what was going on.  Again, I knew what was going on but there was no way I was going to try to describe it to him.  He didn't wait for an answer nearly as long as his wife did.  After a brief stare and pause, he spun around, walked over to the tent, bent over and climbed into the tunnel.  He didn't get very far.

I heard him say, "What?" and like the monster Godzilla in a movie, as it frees itself from being tied down, the father stood up, ripping the tent pegs out of the ground.  Then he threw the tent to the side and helped his wife and youngest son to their feet.

In the fading light I was shocked by what I saw.  The mom, who had a fancy white dress on and BIG hair, was totally repulsed to see how her dress was now a brownish orange color with chunks of beans stuck to her.  Her hair was matted down.  Her skin glistened with the sheen of the slime.  As she stood there looking herself over, she began freaking out and started screaming and shaking.

The little brother was COVERED from head to toe with the brownish orange slime.  He could not even see because it thickly covered his face.  He was still spluttering.  THEN ... with his index finger on his right hand he wiped away enough of the slime to look across the lawn and spot me.   Then he suddenly pointed that slime drenched finger at me and his dad sternly looked at me and quickly did the math.

He knew I was the cause and without a word marched towards me.  I thought he was going to rip me to pieces, he looked so mad.  Like a vice grip, he grabbed me by the arm and led me in the house, up the stairs, to the phone.  I called home and told my mom to come get me.  He hung up the phone before my mom could ask why and marched me out the front door and left me on the front porch to wait for my mom.

It was only about a 10 minute wait but it felt like hours.  During this time there was still such a big commotion in the back yard.  The little brother was still spluttering and crying.  The mom was screaming and crying hysterically.  Neighborhood dogs were barking.  Lights were coming on  and neighbors were coming over to find out what was going on.  It was turning into a real block party.

Finally my mom drove up.  I ran to the car, opened the door and jumped in, then told her to ,"GO!" ... like I had just robbed a bank.  To my agony she did the mom thing.  She folded her arms and told me that she wasn't going anywhere until I explained what was going on.  Exasperated, I rolled down my window so she could her all of the noise.  I waved my arms around and told her, "That is all because of me."  This only confused her more.  We still weren't moving!!  Then I told her, "I barfed in his little brothers face, in the tent, at point blank range, and him and his mother rolled in it."  Then my mom did something I was totally surprised by... she didn't yell at me.  Instead she simply said, "Oh." and we started driving away.

She covered my view of her face as she drove and she started to shake.  She didn't want me to see that she thought it was funny.  Suddenly she stopped the car and asked where my sleeping bag was.  I told her that there was no way I was going to go back there and get it.  She paused for a moment and then drove on.  She was desperately trying to not laugh and to not let me know she thought it was funny.  We almost got in an accident because she drove through an intersection without looking both ways.  Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and to my amazement, she burst out laughing.  We laughed the rest of the way home.                  

Day 21