Respect, listening and relationship

It is foolish to think that all of my students are good listeners.  Listening is a Behavior of Intelligence
(see Lee Canter's Habits of the Mind).  It is a habit that helps us demonstrate intelligence.  It is a very difficult habit to excel in because of our selfishness.  Yes, you heard me... I'm selfish at times and you are selfish at times.

The first concept I teach my students, when it comes to listening, is deference.  This is a rarely used word because it rarely happens outside of sports.  One example of when we see it happen all the time is in the coin toss before the start of a football game.  One choice, the winner of the toss has, is to defer.  This means to let the other team pick first what they want.  In a conversation, the listener needs to defer to the speaker.  This means, the listener needs to put the speaker FIRST.  The listener needs to put aside all of the things they want to think about and say and simply focus on what the speaker is saying and try their best to understand the speaker.  To be a great listener, one needs to intentionally put the speaker ahead of SELF.  This is hard, but we can all get better with practice.  I know I need God's help as I learn more and more to die to my selfishness.

QUESTION:  Have you ever been talking to someone and you thought they were listening to you, but when you paused, they started talking about something totally different than what you had been talking about... and you weren't even finished yet?  Did you get a creepy feeling like... Wow, they weren't even listening to me!???

I teach my students that listening involves selflessness.  We need to put the speaker first.  We need to put away our stuff.  We need to think about what the speaker is saying.  We need to look at the speaker and pay attention to their body language, facial expressions, voice fluctuations and emotions.  I've heard it said that 80% of communication is non-verbal.  We also need to hold still as we are listening so as not to distract others... again, show deference to others.  I teach my students that it is simply RUDE to not listen well to someone who is speaking to you.  I tell them that I feel disrespected when they don't listen well to me.  I appeal to them on a relational level.  I want my students and myself to demonstrate respect to each other by being good listeners.  I expect my students to demonstrate respect to themselves, other students and me. I challenge them when I see poor body language, as they are listening.  I'll ask the student that is slumped over in their desk and looking bored, if this is how they would act if they were sitting in an interview for a well paying job they really want.   I want to teach them how to demonstrate respect to others in their listening.  Again, this is such a big LIFE SKILL.

An example I often give here is from my relationship with my wife.  This has happened several times.  We will be driving in the car and I'll be listening to a football game on the radio and the game will almost be over and she will ask me a question.  Her timing is amazing and I'm still not sure if it is some sort of test.  I will suddenly be confronted with the harsh choice of talking to her or listening to the radio.  I am a man and like most men... I have a hard time multi-tasking.  I've tried doing both at the same time and I do a lousy job of both when I try.  So... when this happens... I reach over and turn off the radio and give my wife my full attention.  My actions speak way louder than my words.  She would much rather me live I LOVE YOU then be regularly selfish and always say I love you.   The boys in my class, when I tell this story, are always incredulous.  They simply can't believe I would turn off the radio.  I tell them that I want to LIVE LIKE I LOVE MY WIFE...NOT JUST SAY THE WORDS.  At this the girls all smile because that is exactly what they would want to happen, but are surprised it did.  I am a very blessed man.  When I get home, my wife stops whatever she is doing and comes to greet me with a smile, hug and a kiss.  I am a very blessed man and I will happily turning off the radio every time she asks me a question, right at the end of the big game, to shown her I love her

Listening is hard because of selfishness.  Respect is essential to relationships.  Love is a verb that needs to be shown in little and consistent ways.  My desire and goal is to demonstrate consistent love to each of my students and to train them to respect themselves as they show respect to their classmates and me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Day 17